If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
