That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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