So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
