and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
