My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
