Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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