allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
