one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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