i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
