Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Of course I have a pirate flag
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
