he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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