Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
