He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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