Quick, to the slutcave!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drunk is a universal language darling
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
