I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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