Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
