If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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