I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
