Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
