The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
