Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
