Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
