Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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