how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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