gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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