my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
