Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I believe in your delicious
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
