five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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