my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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