walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
