She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
