I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
