I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
