Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
