I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
