i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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