when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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