I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
