she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Let's get the cat blown out
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
