Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
