If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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