Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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