If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im holly from the hills drunk
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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