i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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