Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
