If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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