Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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