I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
