He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
