There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
