Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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