i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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