just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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