There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
