Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
