i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
