and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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