Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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