I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
