I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
