You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
