I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
