dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
