I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
