I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
