fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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