This is not my ceiling
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
