i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
