My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
