I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
