The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize