Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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