Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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